Marlene Mounce writes: A friend of mine offers the following words of wisdom and support for people with family members who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. Thank you Christine for sharing your hope.
"A GLIMMER OF HOPE, To The Families"
By,Christine Patrick c.2009
The families and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts know more pain and frustration than any human should have to endure. To maintain one’s faith in the midst of the drama surrounding the addict requires strength, stamina and compassion.
God has not forsaken you. It is extremely difficult for those whose lives have been shattered by alcoholism and addiction to believe that God’s Grace is working in their lives. There is so much pain and devastation. You have suffered enough. You have been cheated and lied to until you have reached the point of complete surrender. How can a loving God allow this to happen to you? You may ask yourself how you could have chosen this in a spouse? You question what you have done to deserve a child that acts in such a manner?
You are not alone. There is help available to you, as well as to the addict. Recovery offers a glimmer of hope to the loved ones of the alcoholic, as well as to the addicted one. You can become whole again, regardless of the actions of the addict.
How and where can you find peace of mind? How do you begin to put your life back together? You can begin by refusing to enable the addict. Many words are thrown around in recovery without a full understanding of the meaning. For the purposes of a clear understanding in this case, to enable means to allow, permit, facilitate and make possible. Ask yourself if you have facilitated the alcoholic’s behavior. Have you bailed them out? Financially? Emotionally? Physically? Have you stepped in between the addict and the consequences of his or her behavior?
There is a lot of gray area in the arena of enabling. How much is helping; how much is too much? It is important to determine your own boundaries. I am not helping myself, or the alcoholic by accepting the unacceptable or, worse, by removing the punishment that should follow unconscionable acts.
If I have learned anything in many years of working with addicts, it is this. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior; and that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. For example, the addict finds himself in financial crisis because he spent the rent/food money on drugs. I give him more money to pay the rent and he once again spends it on drugs. If I continue to give the addict money, and am surprised the he spends it on drugs, who am I really angry with? I am angry with myself. I have a huge resentment. I can’t believe that my “help” is being misused. I can’t believe I was played once again.
I am angry and confused and humiliated to be associated with this type of behavior. I see it as being the sole fault of the alcoholic. Once I begin to understand that two people are needed in every relationship and that I have no power over the addict, I can begin to take responsibility for the actions for which I do have a power of choice. I can say no. I can say no when it feels horribly wrong. I can say no with love.
If I facilitate, in any way, the actions of the addict, I am part of the problem. I am enabling the problem. It is almost impossible to contemplate allowing a loved one to be put out of their home, to go to jail or to go hungry. You are not alone. There are wonderful support groups available, where you can make those decisions with a more rational detached effort.
You can learn to be angry with the behavior and not the person; to see the loved one as a sick person rather than a bad person. You can begin to detach with love. It is an unnatural state to be at the emotional mercy of another. The parents, spouses and children of the addict are held emotionally hostage. The household holds its collective breath, dependent on the state of the addict.
There are wonderful books written about the concept of co-dependence. I define co-dependence as one’s emotional state being controlled by the actions of another. The idea that I am not sad, happy or frightened today because of my thoughts or actions, but rather because of the actions of someone that I have no power to control seems abnormal when seen with a bit of distance. Detach. One short word. Detach. I have heard the concept of co-dependence described as “allowing someone to rent space in my head for free.” I am thinking about someone else’s life, not my own. I do not make decisions in my best interest, but rather as a response to someone else’s behavior. I am not acting in my life; I am simply reacting. Reacting from a place of anger or fear will cause me to make bad decisions. Reacting to the addict will ensure that I do not move forward. Reacting will ensure that the cycle of addiction and pain is never broken.
Family members and friends of alcoholics and addicts can and must break this cycle. A very wise mentor once told me that I needed to stop “dancing the dance of death” with my husband at that time. The scenario would go as follows. The music starts and he goes out to the dance floor, extending his hand in invitation. I know what will happen. I have danced the same dance thousands of times. He will leave me there alone. He will step on my toes. He will humiliate me in front of others. Every time that I joined him on that dance floor, I lost a bit of myself. Every time, I felt worse and worse about what should have been my joyous celebratory dance of life.
Finally one day, at the point of breaking, the music started. He went to the dance floor and extended the invitation to join him and I simply sat there. He was angry. He asked other women to join him and they did. He stomped his feet and showed his displeasure. I still refused. He moved away on the dance floor, taking his approval with him. I had always believed that the dance would stop without his lead. I believed that his steps must be mine. And yet, I stayed in my seat.
When my ex-husband left the dance, I found that my dance was the dance of joy again. I found that my unique steps were what God intended for me. I found that I could find a state of grace within. I no longer needed the validation of his movement, of his song, of his steps. Detach. Find joy. Love those who need to tear down in order to find their salvation. Share the dance floor with those who are in need of intervention, but do not take their lead.
Family dynamics are not created overnight. Years of incremental interrelations contribute to the overall dynamic. These same dynamics will take some time to change. Change is often a slow process when all parties are willing. When one or more participants are reluctant to change, the process can often be slow and painful. With this having been said, change is not only possible, but necessary. When the dynamic is no longer working in the best interest of the family unit, change is the only option for recovery.
Imagine a puppeteer with strings attached to a good number of puppets. This is often the addict. The addict pulls the strings and everyone understandably jumps. The family members on the other end of the strings know full well how much havoc the addict can rain in their lives. So the addict acts badly and gets the attention of everyone surrounding them, thereby reinforcing a feeling of power, however toxic.
Toxic attention can be very rewarding. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. The addict thinks, “If I can’t be the best and the brightest, I can get attention by being the most out-of-control.” Many times the addict can’t help himself. He or she is consumed by shame and wants desperately to stop the cycle, but the drugs and the alcohol are too powerful a temptation.
Everyone in the entire family is on constant alert. Family members become hyper-vigilant. No one knows exactly what Dad is going to do when he gets home. Will he be violent and everyone needs to hide from his wrath? Will my son take the car if I go into too deep a state of sleep? Will my daughter steal the jewelry to pawn?
No one should live under these conditions. No one can stay one step ahead of the alcoholic. It is impossible to predict insanity. It is impossible to reason with addiction. People tend to repeat behavior that rewards them in some way. Normal people tend to not repeat behavior that causes them painful consequences. These seemingly obvious truths do not always apply to the addict. They seem oblivious to what they are doing to themselves or others. If they are cognizant of consequences, they don’t seem to care. Living with someone who does not act in normal ways leads to confusion, anxiety and deep-rooted resentments.
Resentments have been described as taking poison and expecting the other person to die. How is it that I feel horrible, when it is someone else that is acting badly? The only antidote to resentment, anxiety and anger is forgiveness. Forgiveness for the addict; forgiveness for yourself. Forgiveness rids me of the soul sickness of resentment. Forgiveness is not to relieve the alcoholic of pain; it is to relieve you of the internal turmoil that eats away at the possibility of happiness and joy.
Look for forgiveness. Actively practice forgiveness. Pray for forgiveness. Ask God for peace in your life. Worry has never changed an outcome. I can stress and fuss and tie my insides in a knot, but that energy is wasted. I have never been able to control anyone else’s behavior. Relinquish the responsibility of the alcoholic’s behavior to the alcoholic!
Take a warm bath. Listen to soothing music or meditate. Go to a movie. Participate in the joyous possibilities in God’s world. Practice self-care, by whatever means. God works in mysterious ways. Ask for Peace. Practice peace. Seek a peaceful life. The alcoholic has a God, and it is not you.
Family dynamics are cemented over a number of years. It will not change over night. Recovery is possible with patience. It seems unbelievably unfair to mention patience to those who have experienced the horror of living with an alcoholic. Alcoholics can and do try the patience of anyone in their paths. By practicing patience, I mean having patience with God. I mean having the patience to walk in faith, believing that you can be restored. The same can be said of tolerance and acceptance. It is wrong to accept the intolerable. Acceptance does not mean that I condone the behavior. Tolerance and acceptance are not the same as approval.
To the family of the alcoholic, acceptance means facing the truth of the situation. Nothing can be changed that I do not admit to. I can accept the truth and ask God for intervention. The alcoholic must accept his or her powerlessness in the first step of recovery. The same is true of the family member. God is all powerful. God can do for me what I have been unable to do for myself. I must be willing to accept the truth. I must be willing to accept the infinite power of God. I have witnessed miracles when God was sought.
Navigating the road to recovery is rife with pitfalls, confusion and sometimes pain. Trust that it is possible. Trust yourself to daily find strength and direction. Trust God to show you. Talk to others. Involve yourself totally in your own redemption. The journey is worth the effort. The journey is also filled with laughter, healing and love. The journey rewards with joy and openness and revelation. You will be shown.
Many people have found comfort with groups like Al-anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics and CODA. There are meetings where people share their experience, strength and hope with others who share similar stories.
There are no easy answers, but by changing my behavior, my life will change. I cannot control the alcoholic, but I can change my response. I can change my thinking and I can actively change my behavior. I can learn to act in my life, not just react to the triggers set by others. The result is redemption. The reward is a more peaceful, loving existence. The journey is filled with miracles. You will meet many wonderful seekers on the journey and the result is God’s intention for us all. To live happy, joyous and free.
For information on groups in your area, contact AA Central office listed in your local phone directory or visit
www.aa.org
Al-anon groups may be found at
www.al-anon.alateen.org
A tremendous resource in Los Angeles is SHARE. Information is available by calling (310) 305-8878 or visiting www.shareselfhelp.org
Christine Patrick:
christinepatrick@mindspring.com (310) 215-1891
Christine is a freelance writer and editor in Los Angeles. There are numerous books available to aid in your journey. Recommended reading: Melody Beattie has numerous titles– “Co-dependent No More” , and
Iyanla Vanzant – “One Day My Soul Opened Up”
TIPS FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF THE ADDICT OR ALCOHOLIC:
*Refuse to enable – set clear boundaries and avoid idle threats.
*Detach with love – love the person, deal with the disease.
*Accept amends – practice forgiveness with the addict and yourself.
*Seek and accept help – allow others who have walked the path to share their experience, strength and hope.
*Practice self-care – laugh, love, live.
*Reach out –help others and experience the joy of unity.
*Open your heart and mind to joy and love.
*Pray and meditate – find peace in the connection with God.
*Embrace powerlessness and allow God to work miracles in your life.
