By, Linda B. Smith
I’ve been thinking of doors. It’s an entrance and an exit. Doors keep us in or others out. They provide a sense of security, or it is a barrier. I remember that as young girl we would sometimes sleep with our doors open and feel totally secure. Would I do that today? Definitely not! However, I do imagine that there are some areas in our world where leaving doors open is still a possibility.
Do doors alone make us safe, or is it just an illusion of security? Of course they do not, but how thankful I am that we have a savior who is our security.
In John 10:9 Jesus said, “I am the Door; if anyone enters through me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.” Jesus is the Door that leads out of darkness and the Door that leads into eternal life. He is the Door that came to bring us abundant life. Jesus is the Door that protects his children.
Since Jesus is the Door, we believers have access to the holy kingdom of God. Through Christ’s blood shed on Calvary’s cross we can enter through the only Door of fellowship with God. In Christ I can have the only true security. Paul said in 2 Timothy 4:18, “The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed, and will bring me to His heavenly kingdom…” Yes, there will be hardships, trials and tribulations, but the One who is the Door promises to “never desert me nor forsake me” (Hebrews 13:5) to always be by my side.
Jesus doesn’t want us to just stop at the door; he wants us to enter into his abode. He wants us to find shelter in him from life’s storms. Jesus is the Door that is never closes always open, ready to receive the willing heart.
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom trust!” Psalm 91:1-2
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Four Things I Know About Love
By, Mrs. Ray Driver
I once wrote on the subject of love, when I believed it was a noun, on how it appeared to me at the time. I said, “On the subject of love I am bipolar at best. I am capable of dispensing huge amounts of love to a large number of people. My children are the primary recipients. I feel that my love for them has no limit, I am ever-willing to give my all to them. I am also capable of loving others – my husband, of course, and my friends. I love God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit as the scripture has said.
“But the experience of receiving love is not a reality. No matter how it is expressed, who expresses it, nor how often, I cannot access it. It never computes. It doesn’t exist. I live without love.
“This, no doubt, is a conditioning I developed to protect myself from massive amounts of pain through neglect and ridicule. I envy those who feel love. What must that be like? I wonder. It’s like a distant star whose light is a bright and brilliant beam of wonderful colors and hues, but it’s too far for me to reach.
“What is its source? Who can really know it? Is it a feeling? A knowing? Or is it a cold decision? Perhaps a state of mind or an imagined envelopment of warmth?
“I have no answers. The feeling of being loved is like the substance of clouds. You can see there is something there, but no matter what you do you will never be able to hold it in your hands. You cannot squeeze it between your fingers, or poke your tongue out and taste any sweetness. Clouds are seen but never felt. Such is love for me.
“Is love learned and taught? Is it naturally occurring? Is love a commodity, traded among those who posses it? How does one acquire love? If you give it to me, how do I know I have it? Can it be lost? Is it temporary? Can I calculate or quantify it? The common opinion is that love is an emotion. I think love must be something more.
“I become angry, express it, then it dissipates. I feel it for the moment and then it is gone. I don’t long for anger. I feel joy and happiness as the occasion warrants, but those can be replaced by sadness in a moments notice. I miss them, but I know they will return. I experience confusion and doubt, but they are easily cleared up with information and direction. Embarrassment comes and goes, but no one seeks it.
“Hatred is a claw that digs into the soul causing pain on invisible nerve endings. These are worse than real ones because one can never isolate where it hurts or how to stop it. It is stronger than everything except love. Hatred is fierce and unyielding--no one wants it, but once you have it, it’s extremely difficult to get rid of. Indeed, some stop trying and just except it as a close friend.
But love is sought after. People do anything to get it. Scientists have discovered that living things need some form of it to live. That famous study of orphans that died from lack of touch proved that we need some form of love to survive.”
What is it really? Leaving love aside, lets look at the two most common misconceptions about the definition of love: 1) Affection n : fond, tender feelings; 2) Sex n : intercourse between male and female; gender distinction.
With these two words covering their subject, where and why does the word love enter? One can give affection and receive none in return. Two people can have sex with neither love nor affection. The Bible calls us to love one another – affection or sex? Neither. God says, “If you love me, you will do as I say.” Does He require sex or affection? These seem inappropriate for the command. This leads me to question the definition of love.
The conclusion I draw is this, you can love without affection. Can you have affection without love? Affection seems to be a by-product of love, not the definition. So when God commands me to love, He does not require that I have affection. It seems we have become focused on the affect of love and not the act. With sex, the opposite it true. We are more concerned with the act and less concerned about the affect.
If affection is the by-product, then what is the product? Or better, what is the thing that makes love love? Back to the Bible…God says do these things and you will show love: be obedient, patient, kind, considerate, thoughtful, helpful, and friendly (I Corinthians 13). If you do these, you will eventually feel affection. But you do them before the affection, and it is called love.
So what is love? God doesn’t tell me to have feelings, He tells me to perform tasks, which define love, and affection may or may not follow. I John explains that love is more than, or goes beyond emotions. Love is an attitude.
I would say a type of action. The confusion comes in the feelings we experience while behaving lovely. God says that being ‘other’ oriented in our motivation is a result of being saved (making Christ your Lord), and is exercised in the way of spiritual gifts. So in using spiritual gifts we express, or use them, with the attitude of I Corinthians 13.
If this is true, love as an action makes a tremendous amount of sense. In the past, I realized that I was occasionally loved by others—they performed random tasks and acts of service, or gave a gift that made me smile. And I realize that it was not having love that I had trouble with—how can one not receive help or gifts? But it was the feeling of affection that confused me. This error has caused me to misinterpret the environment and draw conclusions about love.
From this, there are four things I know about love: 1) love is not a noun, 2) love is not a feeling, 3) love is the most powerful verb ever known, and 4) one finds that all those who show affection also tend to be loving. But not all those who show love will display affection. This truth is especially important when seeking affection from others, as a sign of love.
The end of the thing is this, God says, “If you love me, you will follow my commandments.” This reads as a logic statement, rather than a plea: if this…then this. Therefore, love is a verb that requires action, not emotions.
So our measure for love toward God and others should be, “Are my actions consistent with God’s definition of pure love? Do I serve God and others in all my actions regardless of how I feel? We should act only for the benefit of others and not the by-product of affectionate feelings.
“Let us love one another, for love is of God, and everyone that loves is born of God and knows God.” I John 4:7&8
I once wrote on the subject of love, when I believed it was a noun, on how it appeared to me at the time. I said, “On the subject of love I am bipolar at best. I am capable of dispensing huge amounts of love to a large number of people. My children are the primary recipients. I feel that my love for them has no limit, I am ever-willing to give my all to them. I am also capable of loving others – my husband, of course, and my friends. I love God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit as the scripture has said.
“But the experience of receiving love is not a reality. No matter how it is expressed, who expresses it, nor how often, I cannot access it. It never computes. It doesn’t exist. I live without love.
“This, no doubt, is a conditioning I developed to protect myself from massive amounts of pain through neglect and ridicule. I envy those who feel love. What must that be like? I wonder. It’s like a distant star whose light is a bright and brilliant beam of wonderful colors and hues, but it’s too far for me to reach.
“What is its source? Who can really know it? Is it a feeling? A knowing? Or is it a cold decision? Perhaps a state of mind or an imagined envelopment of warmth?
“I have no answers. The feeling of being loved is like the substance of clouds. You can see there is something there, but no matter what you do you will never be able to hold it in your hands. You cannot squeeze it between your fingers, or poke your tongue out and taste any sweetness. Clouds are seen but never felt. Such is love for me.
“Is love learned and taught? Is it naturally occurring? Is love a commodity, traded among those who posses it? How does one acquire love? If you give it to me, how do I know I have it? Can it be lost? Is it temporary? Can I calculate or quantify it? The common opinion is that love is an emotion. I think love must be something more.
“I become angry, express it, then it dissipates. I feel it for the moment and then it is gone. I don’t long for anger. I feel joy and happiness as the occasion warrants, but those can be replaced by sadness in a moments notice. I miss them, but I know they will return. I experience confusion and doubt, but they are easily cleared up with information and direction. Embarrassment comes and goes, but no one seeks it.
“Hatred is a claw that digs into the soul causing pain on invisible nerve endings. These are worse than real ones because one can never isolate where it hurts or how to stop it. It is stronger than everything except love. Hatred is fierce and unyielding--no one wants it, but once you have it, it’s extremely difficult to get rid of. Indeed, some stop trying and just except it as a close friend.
But love is sought after. People do anything to get it. Scientists have discovered that living things need some form of it to live. That famous study of orphans that died from lack of touch proved that we need some form of love to survive.”
What is it really? Leaving love aside, lets look at the two most common misconceptions about the definition of love: 1) Affection n : fond, tender feelings; 2) Sex n : intercourse between male and female; gender distinction.
With these two words covering their subject, where and why does the word love enter? One can give affection and receive none in return. Two people can have sex with neither love nor affection. The Bible calls us to love one another – affection or sex? Neither. God says, “If you love me, you will do as I say.” Does He require sex or affection? These seem inappropriate for the command. This leads me to question the definition of love.
The conclusion I draw is this, you can love without affection. Can you have affection without love? Affection seems to be a by-product of love, not the definition. So when God commands me to love, He does not require that I have affection. It seems we have become focused on the affect of love and not the act. With sex, the opposite it true. We are more concerned with the act and less concerned about the affect.
If affection is the by-product, then what is the product? Or better, what is the thing that makes love love? Back to the Bible…God says do these things and you will show love: be obedient, patient, kind, considerate, thoughtful, helpful, and friendly (I Corinthians 13). If you do these, you will eventually feel affection. But you do them before the affection, and it is called love.
So what is love? God doesn’t tell me to have feelings, He tells me to perform tasks, which define love, and affection may or may not follow. I John explains that love is more than, or goes beyond emotions. Love is an attitude.
I would say a type of action. The confusion comes in the feelings we experience while behaving lovely. God says that being ‘other’ oriented in our motivation is a result of being saved (making Christ your Lord), and is exercised in the way of spiritual gifts. So in using spiritual gifts we express, or use them, with the attitude of I Corinthians 13.
If this is true, love as an action makes a tremendous amount of sense. In the past, I realized that I was occasionally loved by others—they performed random tasks and acts of service, or gave a gift that made me smile. And I realize that it was not having love that I had trouble with—how can one not receive help or gifts? But it was the feeling of affection that confused me. This error has caused me to misinterpret the environment and draw conclusions about love.
From this, there are four things I know about love: 1) love is not a noun, 2) love is not a feeling, 3) love is the most powerful verb ever known, and 4) one finds that all those who show affection also tend to be loving. But not all those who show love will display affection. This truth is especially important when seeking affection from others, as a sign of love.
The end of the thing is this, God says, “If you love me, you will follow my commandments.” This reads as a logic statement, rather than a plea: if this…then this. Therefore, love is a verb that requires action, not emotions.
So our measure for love toward God and others should be, “Are my actions consistent with God’s definition of pure love? Do I serve God and others in all my actions regardless of how I feel? We should act only for the benefit of others and not the by-product of affectionate feelings.
“Let us love one another, for love is of God, and everyone that loves is born of God and knows God.” I John 4:7&8
Friday, August 28, 2009
A Time for Every Season
By June Koukl, Director of Women's Ministries
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven;” -Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)
We’re living in an electronic age which gives us the illusion of making the most of our time because now we can text, e-mail, twitter, blog or get our news out by Facebook. But those ‘portals’ can often take away from the ‘rhythm’ that the writer of Ecclesiastes talks about in the verse above.
He writes about the various times that exist to plant, uproot (Mark and I just uprooted a jungle of summer annuals that had taken over our back garden), to weep, to laugh, to embrace and refrain from embracing, to be silent, to speak, as well as other ‘times.’ God has created seasons for a purpose; each one has a particular activity, be it planting, sprouting, blooming, bearing fruit, even resting or dying back. Within these various seasons we adjust to the weather with our clothing, activities and whether we’ll be more often indoors or outside.
During these seasons we might complain about the heat of summer, the cold of winter, become frustrated by rainy days or we can pace ourselves to whatever season we’re in. We can have a beach day in the warm weather, enjoy the fruit of the season or we can bundle up in the fall and winter, drink a hot cup of tea and dive into a good book.
Resisting whatever season or ‘time’ we’re in only brings frustration. Unlike the mantra that was going around in the 70’s that women can ‘have it all,’ we really are given seasons to do certain things-being a child, adolescent, student, wife, mother, career-woman, grandmother, etc., etc. Longing for the past or living for the future means you are not fully living in or enjoying the present. Mark and I are about to experience the season of ‘empty nest,’ a time to let go of our youngest daughter, Lindsay. It’s also a time of trusting God that we’ve prepared her for what lies ahead.
In my family of origin my siblings and I are helping my mother cope with this new season of her life where she needs assistance for daily living. She’s an immigrant from Japan who has lived most of her life in this country, raising three children to adulthood. She’s been very strong and independent but we are now trading roles with her as her children, becoming her caregivers. These phases of life are bittersweet; I’m excited for Lindsay as she moves out and lives on her own but her presence will be missed. I’m glad I am able to return the care that my mother gave me as I was growing up but it’s difficult to watch her strength ebb away. But I really wouldn’t want it any other way; I want to be fully in the moment because there is a time for everything and this is the time for these relationships in my life.
We all have times and seasons we must adjust to that which God has given us. They are part of His plan for our lives; just as He has set the seasons in nature to accomplish what He desires in His creation. The theme for this year’s retreat is all about seasons and those times He has appointed. If you are able to make time in this season of your life, why don’t you join us for our annual women's retreat, Sept. 18-20, a time of fellowship, fun, worship, reflection, teaching, prayer, relaxation and meeting with God? We’d love to have you!! See http://hopedelrey.org/womensministry.html for details.
Seek First His Kingdom - Jesus' Cure for Anxiety
By, Marlene Mounce
Even before I gave my life to Jesus, I knew the sermon on the mount from the book of Matthew. For the past five years I have studied and read it off and on. But recently one morning as I sought God's presence, after many weeks of ignoring him, the scripture resounded in my heart: "seek first his kingdom". I had slipped into a "prayerful anxiety" mulling over all I should ask him for. I thought about my angry prayer the previous day griping about how there's no justice in our country. But God answered me. He always answers.
Not so long ago, I spent a year battling with anxiety, even going to the doctor and medicating myself. It's all I could do. But God delivered me. Finally, when I sought it, he brought understanding. I sat there in my room treasuring the simple impression he left just then... seek ye first... So I grabbed for my bible to see the whole chapter. I can't believe I never noticed it before. What I really focused on before was "all these things". I read it with new eyes. In the Amplified it reads: But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right)... - Matthew 6:33. Do I seek his kingdom before all else? I pondered many things that morning.
I knew "kingdom" to mean his dominion, power, authority, rulership. I recalled a book by John Piper teaching about various gospel insights, including this particular scripture and I went and snatched it from the shelf. He writes, "Jesus does not want his followers to be anxious. He does not secure his kingdom by keeping his subjects in a state of worry."** What a stark contrast the Kingdom of God makes laid next to the rulers of this world.
He lists all the reasons given by Jesus not to be anxious and further writes, "Instead [of being anxious], make God the King in that affair and in that moment. That is, hand over the situation to his kingly power, and do his righteous will with the confidence that he will work for you and meet all your needs. If we believe in the Kingship of our heavenly father, we do not need to be anxious about anything."**
God is so good, isn't he? I wanted to hold onto this moment and never forget this teaching. I repeated the portion of scripture over and over again out loud: "But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness..." His word is packed with power and substance. It's better than a full plate of food. I pray to be reminded to turn each issue over to our King whose job it is to handle these things. My job is to do things his way and deepen my walk with him. And know that He is God.
**Footnote: What Jesus Demands from the World, John Piper - Chap. 14, Crossway 2006
Even before I gave my life to Jesus, I knew the sermon on the mount from the book of Matthew. For the past five years I have studied and read it off and on. But recently one morning as I sought God's presence, after many weeks of ignoring him, the scripture resounded in my heart: "seek first his kingdom". I had slipped into a "prayerful anxiety" mulling over all I should ask him for. I thought about my angry prayer the previous day griping about how there's no justice in our country. But God answered me. He always answers.
Not so long ago, I spent a year battling with anxiety, even going to the doctor and medicating myself. It's all I could do. But God delivered me. Finally, when I sought it, he brought understanding. I sat there in my room treasuring the simple impression he left just then... seek ye first... So I grabbed for my bible to see the whole chapter. I can't believe I never noticed it before. What I really focused on before was "all these things". I read it with new eyes. In the Amplified it reads: But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right)... - Matthew 6:33. Do I seek his kingdom before all else? I pondered many things that morning.
I knew "kingdom" to mean his dominion, power, authority, rulership. I recalled a book by John Piper teaching about various gospel insights, including this particular scripture and I went and snatched it from the shelf. He writes, "Jesus does not want his followers to be anxious. He does not secure his kingdom by keeping his subjects in a state of worry."** What a stark contrast the Kingdom of God makes laid next to the rulers of this world.
He lists all the reasons given by Jesus not to be anxious and further writes, "Instead [of being anxious], make God the King in that affair and in that moment. That is, hand over the situation to his kingly power, and do his righteous will with the confidence that he will work for you and meet all your needs. If we believe in the Kingship of our heavenly father, we do not need to be anxious about anything."**
God is so good, isn't he? I wanted to hold onto this moment and never forget this teaching. I repeated the portion of scripture over and over again out loud: "But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness..." His word is packed with power and substance. It's better than a full plate of food. I pray to be reminded to turn each issue over to our King whose job it is to handle these things. My job is to do things his way and deepen my walk with him. And know that He is God.
**Footnote: What Jesus Demands from the World, John Piper - Chap. 14, Crossway 2006
Monday, August 24, 2009
A Glimmer of Hope - To the Families
Marlene Mounce writes: A friend of mine offers the following words of wisdom and support for people with family members who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. Thank you Christine for sharing your hope.
"A GLIMMER OF HOPE, To The Families"
By,Christine Patrick c.2009
The families and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts know more pain and frustration than any human should have to endure. To maintain one’s faith in the midst of the drama surrounding the addict requires strength, stamina and compassion.
God has not forsaken you. It is extremely difficult for those whose lives have been shattered by alcoholism and addiction to believe that God’s Grace is working in their lives. There is so much pain and devastation. You have suffered enough. You have been cheated and lied to until you have reached the point of complete surrender. How can a loving God allow this to happen to you? You may ask yourself how you could have chosen this in a spouse? You question what you have done to deserve a child that acts in such a manner?
You are not alone. There is help available to you, as well as to the addict. Recovery offers a glimmer of hope to the loved ones of the alcoholic, as well as to the addicted one. You can become whole again, regardless of the actions of the addict.
How and where can you find peace of mind? How do you begin to put your life back together? You can begin by refusing to enable the addict. Many words are thrown around in recovery without a full understanding of the meaning. For the purposes of a clear understanding in this case, to enable means to allow, permit, facilitate and make possible. Ask yourself if you have facilitated the alcoholic’s behavior. Have you bailed them out? Financially? Emotionally? Physically? Have you stepped in between the addict and the consequences of his or her behavior?
There is a lot of gray area in the arena of enabling. How much is helping; how much is too much? It is important to determine your own boundaries. I am not helping myself, or the alcoholic by accepting the unacceptable or, worse, by removing the punishment that should follow unconscionable acts.
If I have learned anything in many years of working with addicts, it is this. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior; and that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. For example, the addict finds himself in financial crisis because he spent the rent/food money on drugs. I give him more money to pay the rent and he once again spends it on drugs. If I continue to give the addict money, and am surprised the he spends it on drugs, who am I really angry with? I am angry with myself. I have a huge resentment. I can’t believe that my “help” is being misused. I can’t believe I was played once again.
I am angry and confused and humiliated to be associated with this type of behavior. I see it as being the sole fault of the alcoholic. Once I begin to understand that two people are needed in every relationship and that I have no power over the addict, I can begin to take responsibility for the actions for which I do have a power of choice. I can say no. I can say no when it feels horribly wrong. I can say no with love.
If I facilitate, in any way, the actions of the addict, I am part of the problem. I am enabling the problem. It is almost impossible to contemplate allowing a loved one to be put out of their home, to go to jail or to go hungry. You are not alone. There are wonderful support groups available, where you can make those decisions with a more rational detached effort.
You can learn to be angry with the behavior and not the person; to see the loved one as a sick person rather than a bad person. You can begin to detach with love. It is an unnatural state to be at the emotional mercy of another. The parents, spouses and children of the addict are held emotionally hostage. The household holds its collective breath, dependent on the state of the addict.
There are wonderful books written about the concept of co-dependence. I define co-dependence as one’s emotional state being controlled by the actions of another. The idea that I am not sad, happy or frightened today because of my thoughts or actions, but rather because of the actions of someone that I have no power to control seems abnormal when seen with a bit of distance. Detach. One short word. Detach. I have heard the concept of co-dependence described as “allowing someone to rent space in my head for free.” I am thinking about someone else’s life, not my own. I do not make decisions in my best interest, but rather as a response to someone else’s behavior. I am not acting in my life; I am simply reacting. Reacting from a place of anger or fear will cause me to make bad decisions. Reacting to the addict will ensure that I do not move forward. Reacting will ensure that the cycle of addiction and pain is never broken.
Family members and friends of alcoholics and addicts can and must break this cycle. A very wise mentor once told me that I needed to stop “dancing the dance of death” with my husband at that time. The scenario would go as follows. The music starts and he goes out to the dance floor, extending his hand in invitation. I know what will happen. I have danced the same dance thousands of times. He will leave me there alone. He will step on my toes. He will humiliate me in front of others. Every time that I joined him on that dance floor, I lost a bit of myself. Every time, I felt worse and worse about what should have been my joyous celebratory dance of life.
Finally one day, at the point of breaking, the music started. He went to the dance floor and extended the invitation to join him and I simply sat there. He was angry. He asked other women to join him and they did. He stomped his feet and showed his displeasure. I still refused. He moved away on the dance floor, taking his approval with him. I had always believed that the dance would stop without his lead. I believed that his steps must be mine. And yet, I stayed in my seat.
When my ex-husband left the dance, I found that my dance was the dance of joy again. I found that my unique steps were what God intended for me. I found that I could find a state of grace within. I no longer needed the validation of his movement, of his song, of his steps. Detach. Find joy. Love those who need to tear down in order to find their salvation. Share the dance floor with those who are in need of intervention, but do not take their lead.
Family dynamics are not created overnight. Years of incremental interrelations contribute to the overall dynamic. These same dynamics will take some time to change. Change is often a slow process when all parties are willing. When one or more participants are reluctant to change, the process can often be slow and painful. With this having been said, change is not only possible, but necessary. When the dynamic is no longer working in the best interest of the family unit, change is the only option for recovery.
Imagine a puppeteer with strings attached to a good number of puppets. This is often the addict. The addict pulls the strings and everyone understandably jumps. The family members on the other end of the strings know full well how much havoc the addict can rain in their lives. So the addict acts badly and gets the attention of everyone surrounding them, thereby reinforcing a feeling of power, however toxic.
Toxic attention can be very rewarding. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. The addict thinks, “If I can’t be the best and the brightest, I can get attention by being the most out-of-control.” Many times the addict can’t help himself. He or she is consumed by shame and wants desperately to stop the cycle, but the drugs and the alcohol are too powerful a temptation.
Everyone in the entire family is on constant alert. Family members become hyper-vigilant. No one knows exactly what Dad is going to do when he gets home. Will he be violent and everyone needs to hide from his wrath? Will my son take the car if I go into too deep a state of sleep? Will my daughter steal the jewelry to pawn?
No one should live under these conditions. No one can stay one step ahead of the alcoholic. It is impossible to predict insanity. It is impossible to reason with addiction. People tend to repeat behavior that rewards them in some way. Normal people tend to not repeat behavior that causes them painful consequences. These seemingly obvious truths do not always apply to the addict. They seem oblivious to what they are doing to themselves or others. If they are cognizant of consequences, they don’t seem to care. Living with someone who does not act in normal ways leads to confusion, anxiety and deep-rooted resentments.
Resentments have been described as taking poison and expecting the other person to die. How is it that I feel horrible, when it is someone else that is acting badly? The only antidote to resentment, anxiety and anger is forgiveness. Forgiveness for the addict; forgiveness for yourself. Forgiveness rids me of the soul sickness of resentment. Forgiveness is not to relieve the alcoholic of pain; it is to relieve you of the internal turmoil that eats away at the possibility of happiness and joy.
Look for forgiveness. Actively practice forgiveness. Pray for forgiveness. Ask God for peace in your life. Worry has never changed an outcome. I can stress and fuss and tie my insides in a knot, but that energy is wasted. I have never been able to control anyone else’s behavior. Relinquish the responsibility of the alcoholic’s behavior to the alcoholic!
Take a warm bath. Listen to soothing music or meditate. Go to a movie. Participate in the joyous possibilities in God’s world. Practice self-care, by whatever means. God works in mysterious ways. Ask for Peace. Practice peace. Seek a peaceful life. The alcoholic has a God, and it is not you.
Family dynamics are cemented over a number of years. It will not change over night. Recovery is possible with patience. It seems unbelievably unfair to mention patience to those who have experienced the horror of living with an alcoholic. Alcoholics can and do try the patience of anyone in their paths. By practicing patience, I mean having patience with God. I mean having the patience to walk in faith, believing that you can be restored. The same can be said of tolerance and acceptance. It is wrong to accept the intolerable. Acceptance does not mean that I condone the behavior. Tolerance and acceptance are not the same as approval.
To the family of the alcoholic, acceptance means facing the truth of the situation. Nothing can be changed that I do not admit to. I can accept the truth and ask God for intervention. The alcoholic must accept his or her powerlessness in the first step of recovery. The same is true of the family member. God is all powerful. God can do for me what I have been unable to do for myself. I must be willing to accept the truth. I must be willing to accept the infinite power of God. I have witnessed miracles when God was sought.
Navigating the road to recovery is rife with pitfalls, confusion and sometimes pain. Trust that it is possible. Trust yourself to daily find strength and direction. Trust God to show you. Talk to others. Involve yourself totally in your own redemption. The journey is worth the effort. The journey is also filled with laughter, healing and love. The journey rewards with joy and openness and revelation. You will be shown.
Many people have found comfort with groups like Al-anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics and CODA. There are meetings where people share their experience, strength and hope with others who share similar stories.
There are no easy answers, but by changing my behavior, my life will change. I cannot control the alcoholic, but I can change my response. I can change my thinking and I can actively change my behavior. I can learn to act in my life, not just react to the triggers set by others. The result is redemption. The reward is a more peaceful, loving existence. The journey is filled with miracles. You will meet many wonderful seekers on the journey and the result is God’s intention for us all. To live happy, joyous and free.
For information on groups in your area, contact AA Central office listed in your local phone directory or visit www.aa.org
Al-anon groups may be found at www.al-anon.alateen.org
A tremendous resource in Los Angeles is SHARE. Information is available by calling (310) 305-8878 or visiting www.shareselfhelp.org
Christine Patrick: christinepatrick@mindspring.com (310) 215-1891
Christine is a freelance writer and editor in Los Angeles. There are numerous books available to aid in your journey. Recommended reading: Melody Beattie has numerous titles– “Co-dependent No More” , and
Iyanla Vanzant – “One Day My Soul Opened Up”
TIPS FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF THE ADDICT OR ALCOHOLIC:
*Refuse to enable – set clear boundaries and avoid idle threats.
*Detach with love – love the person, deal with the disease.
*Accept amends – practice forgiveness with the addict and yourself.
*Seek and accept help – allow others who have walked the path to share their experience, strength and hope.
*Practice self-care – laugh, love, live.
*Reach out –help others and experience the joy of unity.
*Open your heart and mind to joy and love.
*Pray and meditate – find peace in the connection with God.
*Embrace powerlessness and allow God to work miracles in your life.
"A GLIMMER OF HOPE, To The Families"
By,Christine Patrick c.2009
The families and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts know more pain and frustration than any human should have to endure. To maintain one’s faith in the midst of the drama surrounding the addict requires strength, stamina and compassion.
God has not forsaken you. It is extremely difficult for those whose lives have been shattered by alcoholism and addiction to believe that God’s Grace is working in their lives. There is so much pain and devastation. You have suffered enough. You have been cheated and lied to until you have reached the point of complete surrender. How can a loving God allow this to happen to you? You may ask yourself how you could have chosen this in a spouse? You question what you have done to deserve a child that acts in such a manner?
You are not alone. There is help available to you, as well as to the addict. Recovery offers a glimmer of hope to the loved ones of the alcoholic, as well as to the addicted one. You can become whole again, regardless of the actions of the addict.
How and where can you find peace of mind? How do you begin to put your life back together? You can begin by refusing to enable the addict. Many words are thrown around in recovery without a full understanding of the meaning. For the purposes of a clear understanding in this case, to enable means to allow, permit, facilitate and make possible. Ask yourself if you have facilitated the alcoholic’s behavior. Have you bailed them out? Financially? Emotionally? Physically? Have you stepped in between the addict and the consequences of his or her behavior?
There is a lot of gray area in the arena of enabling. How much is helping; how much is too much? It is important to determine your own boundaries. I am not helping myself, or the alcoholic by accepting the unacceptable or, worse, by removing the punishment that should follow unconscionable acts.
If I have learned anything in many years of working with addicts, it is this. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior; and that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. For example, the addict finds himself in financial crisis because he spent the rent/food money on drugs. I give him more money to pay the rent and he once again spends it on drugs. If I continue to give the addict money, and am surprised the he spends it on drugs, who am I really angry with? I am angry with myself. I have a huge resentment. I can’t believe that my “help” is being misused. I can’t believe I was played once again.
I am angry and confused and humiliated to be associated with this type of behavior. I see it as being the sole fault of the alcoholic. Once I begin to understand that two people are needed in every relationship and that I have no power over the addict, I can begin to take responsibility for the actions for which I do have a power of choice. I can say no. I can say no when it feels horribly wrong. I can say no with love.
If I facilitate, in any way, the actions of the addict, I am part of the problem. I am enabling the problem. It is almost impossible to contemplate allowing a loved one to be put out of their home, to go to jail or to go hungry. You are not alone. There are wonderful support groups available, where you can make those decisions with a more rational detached effort.
You can learn to be angry with the behavior and not the person; to see the loved one as a sick person rather than a bad person. You can begin to detach with love. It is an unnatural state to be at the emotional mercy of another. The parents, spouses and children of the addict are held emotionally hostage. The household holds its collective breath, dependent on the state of the addict.
There are wonderful books written about the concept of co-dependence. I define co-dependence as one’s emotional state being controlled by the actions of another. The idea that I am not sad, happy or frightened today because of my thoughts or actions, but rather because of the actions of someone that I have no power to control seems abnormal when seen with a bit of distance. Detach. One short word. Detach. I have heard the concept of co-dependence described as “allowing someone to rent space in my head for free.” I am thinking about someone else’s life, not my own. I do not make decisions in my best interest, but rather as a response to someone else’s behavior. I am not acting in my life; I am simply reacting. Reacting from a place of anger or fear will cause me to make bad decisions. Reacting to the addict will ensure that I do not move forward. Reacting will ensure that the cycle of addiction and pain is never broken.
Family members and friends of alcoholics and addicts can and must break this cycle. A very wise mentor once told me that I needed to stop “dancing the dance of death” with my husband at that time. The scenario would go as follows. The music starts and he goes out to the dance floor, extending his hand in invitation. I know what will happen. I have danced the same dance thousands of times. He will leave me there alone. He will step on my toes. He will humiliate me in front of others. Every time that I joined him on that dance floor, I lost a bit of myself. Every time, I felt worse and worse about what should have been my joyous celebratory dance of life.
Finally one day, at the point of breaking, the music started. He went to the dance floor and extended the invitation to join him and I simply sat there. He was angry. He asked other women to join him and they did. He stomped his feet and showed his displeasure. I still refused. He moved away on the dance floor, taking his approval with him. I had always believed that the dance would stop without his lead. I believed that his steps must be mine. And yet, I stayed in my seat.
When my ex-husband left the dance, I found that my dance was the dance of joy again. I found that my unique steps were what God intended for me. I found that I could find a state of grace within. I no longer needed the validation of his movement, of his song, of his steps. Detach. Find joy. Love those who need to tear down in order to find their salvation. Share the dance floor with those who are in need of intervention, but do not take their lead.
Family dynamics are not created overnight. Years of incremental interrelations contribute to the overall dynamic. These same dynamics will take some time to change. Change is often a slow process when all parties are willing. When one or more participants are reluctant to change, the process can often be slow and painful. With this having been said, change is not only possible, but necessary. When the dynamic is no longer working in the best interest of the family unit, change is the only option for recovery.
Imagine a puppeteer with strings attached to a good number of puppets. This is often the addict. The addict pulls the strings and everyone understandably jumps. The family members on the other end of the strings know full well how much havoc the addict can rain in their lives. So the addict acts badly and gets the attention of everyone surrounding them, thereby reinforcing a feeling of power, however toxic.
Toxic attention can be very rewarding. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. The addict thinks, “If I can’t be the best and the brightest, I can get attention by being the most out-of-control.” Many times the addict can’t help himself. He or she is consumed by shame and wants desperately to stop the cycle, but the drugs and the alcohol are too powerful a temptation.
Everyone in the entire family is on constant alert. Family members become hyper-vigilant. No one knows exactly what Dad is going to do when he gets home. Will he be violent and everyone needs to hide from his wrath? Will my son take the car if I go into too deep a state of sleep? Will my daughter steal the jewelry to pawn?
No one should live under these conditions. No one can stay one step ahead of the alcoholic. It is impossible to predict insanity. It is impossible to reason with addiction. People tend to repeat behavior that rewards them in some way. Normal people tend to not repeat behavior that causes them painful consequences. These seemingly obvious truths do not always apply to the addict. They seem oblivious to what they are doing to themselves or others. If they are cognizant of consequences, they don’t seem to care. Living with someone who does not act in normal ways leads to confusion, anxiety and deep-rooted resentments.
Resentments have been described as taking poison and expecting the other person to die. How is it that I feel horrible, when it is someone else that is acting badly? The only antidote to resentment, anxiety and anger is forgiveness. Forgiveness for the addict; forgiveness for yourself. Forgiveness rids me of the soul sickness of resentment. Forgiveness is not to relieve the alcoholic of pain; it is to relieve you of the internal turmoil that eats away at the possibility of happiness and joy.
Look for forgiveness. Actively practice forgiveness. Pray for forgiveness. Ask God for peace in your life. Worry has never changed an outcome. I can stress and fuss and tie my insides in a knot, but that energy is wasted. I have never been able to control anyone else’s behavior. Relinquish the responsibility of the alcoholic’s behavior to the alcoholic!
Take a warm bath. Listen to soothing music or meditate. Go to a movie. Participate in the joyous possibilities in God’s world. Practice self-care, by whatever means. God works in mysterious ways. Ask for Peace. Practice peace. Seek a peaceful life. The alcoholic has a God, and it is not you.
Family dynamics are cemented over a number of years. It will not change over night. Recovery is possible with patience. It seems unbelievably unfair to mention patience to those who have experienced the horror of living with an alcoholic. Alcoholics can and do try the patience of anyone in their paths. By practicing patience, I mean having patience with God. I mean having the patience to walk in faith, believing that you can be restored. The same can be said of tolerance and acceptance. It is wrong to accept the intolerable. Acceptance does not mean that I condone the behavior. Tolerance and acceptance are not the same as approval.
To the family of the alcoholic, acceptance means facing the truth of the situation. Nothing can be changed that I do not admit to. I can accept the truth and ask God for intervention. The alcoholic must accept his or her powerlessness in the first step of recovery. The same is true of the family member. God is all powerful. God can do for me what I have been unable to do for myself. I must be willing to accept the truth. I must be willing to accept the infinite power of God. I have witnessed miracles when God was sought.
Navigating the road to recovery is rife with pitfalls, confusion and sometimes pain. Trust that it is possible. Trust yourself to daily find strength and direction. Trust God to show you. Talk to others. Involve yourself totally in your own redemption. The journey is worth the effort. The journey is also filled with laughter, healing and love. The journey rewards with joy and openness and revelation. You will be shown.
Many people have found comfort with groups like Al-anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics and CODA. There are meetings where people share their experience, strength and hope with others who share similar stories.
There are no easy answers, but by changing my behavior, my life will change. I cannot control the alcoholic, but I can change my response. I can change my thinking and I can actively change my behavior. I can learn to act in my life, not just react to the triggers set by others. The result is redemption. The reward is a more peaceful, loving existence. The journey is filled with miracles. You will meet many wonderful seekers on the journey and the result is God’s intention for us all. To live happy, joyous and free.
For information on groups in your area, contact AA Central office listed in your local phone directory or visit www.aa.org
Al-anon groups may be found at www.al-anon.alateen.org
A tremendous resource in Los Angeles is SHARE. Information is available by calling (310) 305-8878 or visiting www.shareselfhelp.org
Christine Patrick: christinepatrick@mindspring.com (310) 215-1891
Christine is a freelance writer and editor in Los Angeles. There are numerous books available to aid in your journey. Recommended reading: Melody Beattie has numerous titles– “Co-dependent No More” , and
Iyanla Vanzant – “One Day My Soul Opened Up”
TIPS FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF THE ADDICT OR ALCOHOLIC:
*Refuse to enable – set clear boundaries and avoid idle threats.
*Detach with love – love the person, deal with the disease.
*Accept amends – practice forgiveness with the addict and yourself.
*Seek and accept help – allow others who have walked the path to share their experience, strength and hope.
*Practice self-care – laugh, love, live.
*Reach out –help others and experience the joy of unity.
*Open your heart and mind to joy and love.
*Pray and meditate – find peace in the connection with God.
*Embrace powerlessness and allow God to work miracles in your life.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Women in Touch Meeting - Grace's 5 Blessings
From our recent Women in Touch March 2009 meeting - Grace spoke a word of encouragement containing five key features:
1)ACCEPTANCE, particularly of the way God has made me; 2)COURAGE, to change in the areas He wants me to and fearlessly step out in faith; 3)WISDOM, to not compare myself to other people and focus on what God has called me to and how He would like me to go about doing it; 4)RELEASE, allowing God to release me into my calling and also let go of hindrances that are not His best...releasing the past; 5)ASSIGNMENT, walk in, focus on and adhere to what God has assigned me to do.
I hope my interpretation is close to Grace's intended word. It was incredibly refreshing and encouraging to me as I was at the time looking for strength and momentum to make changes in my life. Her talk ministered to me on a deep and personal level to address the challenging areas I face by taking action, moving forward with a plan and setting goals to attain God's best.
1)ACCEPTANCE, particularly of the way God has made me; 2)COURAGE, to change in the areas He wants me to and fearlessly step out in faith; 3)WISDOM, to not compare myself to other people and focus on what God has called me to and how He would like me to go about doing it; 4)RELEASE, allowing God to release me into my calling and also let go of hindrances that are not His best...releasing the past; 5)ASSIGNMENT, walk in, focus on and adhere to what God has assigned me to do.
I hope my interpretation is close to Grace's intended word. It was incredibly refreshing and encouraging to me as I was at the time looking for strength and momentum to make changes in my life. Her talk ministered to me on a deep and personal level to address the challenging areas I face by taking action, moving forward with a plan and setting goals to attain God's best.
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