Four Things I Know About Love

By, Mrs. Ray Driver

I once wrote on the subject of love, when I believed it was a noun, on how it appeared to me at the time. I said, “On the subject of love I am bipolar at best. I am capable of dispensing huge amounts of love to a large number of people. My children are the primary recipients. I feel that my love for them has no limit, I am ever-willing to give my all to them. I am also capable of loving others – my husband, of course, and my friends. I love God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit as the scripture has said.

“But the experience of receiving love is not a reality. No matter how it is expressed, who expresses it, nor how often, I cannot access it. It never computes. It doesn’t exist. I live without love.

“This, no doubt, is a conditioning I developed to protect myself from massive amounts of pain through neglect and ridicule. I envy those who feel love. What must that be like? I wonder. It’s like a distant star whose light is a bright and brilliant beam of wonderful colors and hues, but it’s too far for me to reach.

“What is its source? Who can really know it? Is it a feeling? A knowing? Or is it a cold decision? Perhaps a state of mind or an imagined envelopment of warmth?

“I have no answers. The feeling of being loved is like the substance of clouds. You can see there is something there, but no matter what you do you will never be able to hold it in your hands. You cannot squeeze it between your fingers, or poke your tongue out and taste any sweetness. Clouds are seen but never felt. Such is love for me.

“Is love learned and taught? Is it naturally occurring? Is love a commodity, traded among those who posses it? How does one acquire love? If you give it to me, how do I know I have it? Can it be lost? Is it temporary? Can I calculate or quantify it? The common opinion is that love is an emotion. I think love must be something more.

“I become angry, express it, then it dissipates. I feel it for the moment and then it is gone. I don’t long for anger. I feel joy and happiness as the occasion warrants, but those can be replaced by sadness in a moments notice. I miss them, but I know they will return. I experience confusion and doubt, but they are easily cleared up with information and direction. Embarrassment comes and goes, but no one seeks it.

“Hatred is a claw that digs into the soul causing pain on invisible nerve endings. These are worse than real ones because one can never isolate where it hurts or how to stop it. It is stronger than everything except love. Hatred is fierce and unyielding--no one wants it, but once you have it, it’s extremely difficult to get rid of. Indeed, some stop trying and just except it as a close friend.

But love is sought after. People do anything to get it. Scientists have discovered that living things need some form of it to live. That famous study of orphans that died from lack of touch proved that we need some form of love to survive.”

What is it really? Leaving love aside, lets look at the two most common misconceptions about the definition of love: 1) Affection n : fond, tender feelings; 2) Sex n : intercourse between male and female; gender distinction.

With these two words covering their subject, where and why does the word love enter? One can give affection and receive none in return. Two people can have sex with neither love nor affection. The Bible calls us to love one another – affection or sex? Neither. God says, “If you love me, you will do as I say.” Does He require sex or affection? These seem inappropriate for the command. This leads me to question the definition of love.

The conclusion I draw is this, you can love without affection. Can you have affection without love? Affection seems to be a by-product of love, not the definition. So when God commands me to love, He does not require that I have affection. It seems we have become focused on the affect of love and not the act. With sex, the opposite it true. We are more concerned with the act and less concerned about the affect.

If affection is the by-product, then what is the product? Or better, what is the thing that makes love love? Back to the Bible…God says do these things and you will show love: be obedient, patient, kind, considerate, thoughtful, helpful, and friendly (I Corinthians 13). If you do these, you will eventually feel affection. But you do them before the affection, and it is called love.

So what is love? God doesn’t tell me to have feelings, He tells me to perform tasks, which define love, and affection may or may not follow. I John explains that love is more than, or goes beyond emotions. Love is an attitude.
I would say a type of action. The confusion comes in the feelings we experience while behaving lovely. God says that being ‘other’ oriented in our motivation is a result of being saved (making Christ your Lord), and is exercised in the way of spiritual gifts. So in using spiritual gifts we express, or use them, with the attitude of I Corinthians 13.

If this is true, love as an action makes a tremendous amount of sense. In the past, I realized that I was occasionally loved by others—they performed random tasks and acts of service, or gave a gift that made me smile. And I realize that it was not having love that I had trouble with—how can one not receive help or gifts? But it was the feeling of affection that confused me. This error has caused me to misinterpret the environment and draw conclusions about love.

From this, there are four things I know about love: 1) love is not a noun, 2) love is not a feeling, 3) love is the most powerful verb ever known, and 4) one finds that all those who show affection also tend to be loving. But not all those who show love will display affection. This truth is especially important when seeking affection from others, as a sign of love.

The end of the thing is this, God says, “If you love me, you will follow my commandments.” This reads as a logic statement, rather than a plea: if this…then this. Therefore, love is a verb that requires action, not emotions.
So our measure for love toward God and others should be, “Are my actions consistent with God’s definition of pure love? Do I serve God and others in all my actions regardless of how I feel? We should act only for the benefit of others and not the by-product of affectionate feelings.

“Let us love one another, for love is of God, and everyone that loves is born of God and knows God.” I John 4:7&8